i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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