I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He has the fingertips of a God
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
