it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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