I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
