Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
