Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
