I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Even my vagina gasped.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
