I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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