i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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