xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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