I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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