Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
