She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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