did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
mondays should just be called national damage control day
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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