Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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