theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
