that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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