I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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