Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
