So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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