I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
