Someone shit on the floor
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
