Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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