I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots