birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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