Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
