I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
