After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
