fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
