Define "chronic" masturbator.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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