hotel room ftw
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
