Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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