I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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