I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
