I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
