3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
