ya dads aren't the best wingmen
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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