I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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