I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
