if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
