Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
