She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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