Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
