that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
