there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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