Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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