Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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