He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
