My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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