Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
