There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
