also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Send help, water and tortillas.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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