I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
