Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
