I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
