Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize